Real Student Stories

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Picture of Anna Missing home at the start of his first year, Daniel found himself increasingly severely affected by low mood triggered by unhappiness on his course and relationship difficulties. He is proud of successfully tackling things without using anti-depressants... more > >

Also in "Tackling Depression"...

"I was getting out and meeting people again and I started making some really positive friends which was really helpful. All of that gave me the strength to end the relationship for good." Tonya

Students Against Depression
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Social Skills

Social confidence

New social situations can be stressful. A negative, self-bullying internal running commentary of depressed thinking is the last thing you need! Learning how to relax and focus outward instead of inward is the key to social confidence.

Student friendships

Student life usually offers a great variety of people and social groups. But it often happens in the intense first few weeks that people just group together with whoever is closest by (in halls or on their course). This can work out very well, but it is very "hit and miss". Some people end up grouped together with others who aren't their type.

Getting connected

Taking a pragmatic view and putting extra energy into having a wider circle of contacts is worth it in the long run. In general, or in specific situations, practise the following steps to social confidence.

Step 1: Take your time

Give yourself time to assess a situation, observe others and decide who you would like to speak to. Let yourself notice who you feel drawn to or have an affinity with, rather than thinking you have to get on with everyone.

Step 2: Check for depressed thinking

Challenge your habits of depressed thinking in social situations. Some typical examples are:

All-or-nothing thinking
"I have to get on with everyone." "No one's going to like me."
Self-bullying
"No one wants to talk to me. I'm boring/unattractive/always left out."
Over-personalisation
"Everyone's looking at me. I wish I hadn't worn this stupid jacket."
Paranoia
"I can't think what to say. They must think I'm stupid."
Rule-bound thinking
"I've got to make friends with the "cool" people..."
Catastrophising
"...otherwise I'll end up a social outcast!"
Control freakery
"I have to be sure someone likes me before I can show I like them."

Step 3: Focus outward

Instead of focusing on what others might be thinking of you, focus your attention outward. Ask questions about other people and be good at listening and showing interest in others. Who people say they like best consistently relates to who they feel has shown an interest in them! This point is well explained in the very useful classic book How to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.

Step 4: Smile and look around you

Looking like you are confident is easy - even if you don't feel it! Walk tall and make a habit of looking around you as you go. Don't be afraid of catching someone else's eye and smiling. People are usually pleasantly surprised! Use relaxation techniques to stay calm and confident.

Step 5: Meet lots of people

Give yourself the best chance of meeting your type of person. Join clubs and societies. Chat to the people in other halls or corridors. Strike up conversations in queues. Be pragmatic: many of these people won't end up being your friends, but you won't have lost anything by being friendly.

Step 6: Invest in the right friendships for you

Once you've met people you like, don't wait for them to make the first move. Get into the habit of assertive communication. People are usually grateful and responsive when others show that they like them! If you don't get the response you'd like, then try again with someone else. Work on your relationship skills to develop your friendships.

relationship skills > >