Self-Bullying

The effect of constant criticism

Imagine if you had someone following you around all day watching your every move and criticising whatever you did? If no matter how hard you tried you were never good enough? You would soon start feeling demoralised, defeated and hopeless.

Your own worst enemy?

When you get into the habit of self-bullying that's exactly what you're doing to yourself! You may feel you "deserve" the criticism - perhaps you're used to being criticised by others, or perhaps you have a perfectionist habit which distorts your self-evaluations.

It's got to stop!

Bullying of any kind is unacceptable. Depression is a bully and it sets up and reinforces the habit of self-bullying. To beat depression you need to sort your inner bully out!

Exercises

• Start trying to catch yourself at being a bully

  Just by realising how relentlessly harsh and critical you're being you may be able to start being more reasonable.

• Check whether you are being realistic in your expectations of yourself:

  • Do you ever feel satisfied with something you've done or achieved?
  • Can you accept compliments from others?
  • Would you generally expect others to meet the same standards?
  If you've answered no to any of the above you may need to challenge some all-or-nothing or perfectionist habits.

• Imagine what a good friend would say

  When you notice yourself being self-critical, ask yourself what a "guardian angel" or a very good friend might say instead. Notice whether you give yourself a "guardian angel" who is still giving you "good advice in your own best interests" - that's just a self-bully dressed up as an angel! A true guardian angel doesn't want to change a single thing about you, accepts and likes you as you are and is always kind to you.
  An example:
  You might catch yourself saying something like "You idiot! You've left your essay to the last minute yet again. You always do that. You're just lazy and useless." Your guardian angel might say, "Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe you're leaving things to the last minute because you're setting such impossible standards for yourself that it's hard to get started. Just do what you can now and give yourself a break."

• Responsibility not blame

  If you are blaming yourself or feeling guilty about something, ask yourself who else carries at least some of the responsibility in the situation. There are very few situations where something is 100% one person's fault. Be more realistic about what you are responsible for and what is out of your control.

• Start practising being kind to yourself

  Give yourself rewards for small steps in the right direction - for example, if you have started to increase your activity levels. Learn how to be better at self-care, especially if your self-bullying sometimes leads to physical self-harm.

Read more about it

Many of these strategies and several more can be found in Paul Gilbert's Overcoming Depression (see books), which has a very good chapter on tackling self-bullying and developing a more compassionate self.

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