Story 7

After a first year badly affected by depression, this student feels that things are gradually getting better...

No reason for depression

I would never have thought I would go through depression as I've had a wonderful life compared to others. I have a loving family and have always had friends around me. But in the first few months of my first year of university everything changed. I have always had the feeling of being empty inside from time to time, but it was all getting worse, the emptiness was expanding and lasting for longer periods.

Depression took over

It came to the point where the depression took over my mind and my body. I couldn't control the thoughts and the sad, empty feeling. I had no idea what was happening. I was lost, I felt so alone, everyone around me was smiling, going to lectures, having fun, and I was in my room, wanting to sleep. But insomnia took over, and when I did eventually fall asleep, I didn't want to wake up.

Couldn't figure it out

I have very strong analytical skills, but I still couldn't figure out the cause of all these feelings! I tried everything, but nothing worked. It just got worse and worse everyday. My friends would avoid me because I was horrible to everyone, without realising it. It came to the point where I didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to eat either – I remember not eating for days and it wouldn't even cross my mind once.

Analysing made it worse

I knew I needed help. I tried long and hard to find out why I was feeling like this, because finding out what the problem is would mean I could fix it and it would all go away, right? No, it just made things worse as I realised I couldn't find out the cause. I just fell deeper and deeper into the darkness of depression.

Took a while to go for counselling

It took me a while to even be bothered to go see a counsellor. I have a lot of pride and I thought, "If I can't understand and fix myself, what hope is there that somebody else will?" But when I realised there was nothing left for me to do I thought I might as well try counselling. At first it didn't help, as I was fed up and tired of telling my thoughts and my feelings to people. I didn't need to talk about it anymore, I needed answers. But the time came when I realised there were no answers, there was no way to fix this. I've come to realise the mind is a very complex and powerful thing and trying to understand it when you are depressed is almost an invitation for making it worse.

Realised a lot about myself

Counselling made me realise a lot of things about myself. I wouldn't say it helped me get rid of depression, but it opened my eyes on the questions I needed to ask in order to get the necessary answers to get through the depression. I came to realise it is something I've had to go through and I just have to live with it and with the symptoms and the sooner I accept that the easier things will get.

First steps towards getting better

I am still going through depression, the feeling of not knowing what I want, the dreamy feeling I have 24/7. But rather than thinking something is wrong with me I am trying to think, 'Oh well it's got to pass'. That little hope that everything is going to be ok one day is enough to get me through each day. What makes me feel better is thinking 'Hey, I am actually feeling a little alright today'. This puts a smile on my face and I realise I might actually be getting through this.

Won't happen overnight

The days of no hope are slowly passing. I know it's not something that will happen overnight, but at least it is happening and I don't have to feel empty anymore. I have probably failed my first year at university and probably said and done things which I shouldn't have but everyone is human, even me.