Depression for most of my life
Iīve been battling with some form of depression, low moods, and/or suicidal thoughts for the vast majority of my life, including a serious suicide attempt in my teens, severe depression with impulsive suicidal behaviour in my late 20s, and strong suicidal thoughts after my divorce in my 30s.
Depression a constant in my life
By my early 30s, I had come to terms with the idea that depression and low moods would be a constant in my life that I would have to find ways to deal with. I found as I got older that instead of my moods levelling off and becoming more balanced that I was swinging into bouts of depression far more occasionally.
Extreme mood swings
Little things would set me off that previously wouldnīt have bothered me. I began to have periods where I would cry uncontrollably - usually without any form of provocation. My moods were erratic at best.
Mature student
I battled with deep depression for several years after my divorce until I began to work on my post-graduate degree. Having a new goal and project to focus my energy helped, and the lows became less and less drastic (although I still suffered from severe mood swings and occasional bouts of uncontrollable tears).
International student
I decided to pursue my PhD and knew I would have to move to the UK to join the leading research group in my field. I moved here alone leaving my children, my family, my friends, and my life behind in Australia.
Depression again
The first few months were fine. Then in late October, the depression set in again. My moods became far more erratic again, and I found the depression at times unbearable. I became lethargic and unable to perform the simplest tasks. Being isolated here is hard.
Leaving children behind
For various reasons, I had to leave my children, who are now 8 and 11 years old, behind initially. Their father is not the most supportive person. Weīve been divorced for 6 years now and heīs telling the children that Iīve abandoned them, so I have to deal with that as well.
Very difficult choices
Itīs the hardest decision Iīve ever made in my entire life. Iīve made this choice in order to provide for them. Iīve been living on welfare and getting support from my father - once I have this degree, I can teach in a university. If I was going to follow my own heart and my own passion and what I was good at, I had to come here to UK.
Extended separation
I was supposed to go back at the end of the first year to get them, but in the meantime they changed the visa laws and I canīt get my children over here because I donīt have enough money in the bank to show I can support them.
Missing them
I miss them terribly; feel I left a part of myself behind. They miss me and it is very hard on them and the last thing I want to do is damage them. I keep thinking of all the ways I wish my own mother had been there and I try very hard not to be her.
Overwhelmed with sorrow
I am overwhelmed by the emotions that I feel. Itīs sorrow - the deepest sorrow I have ever felt. If I stop to think about it I become immobile and then I spend three days in bed crying. I canīt eat and I canīt sleep and the thought crosses my mind that Iīd rather not `beī than feel this...
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Difficult teen years
My first real battle with depression began in my teens. The teen years are a particularly awkward and trying time in oneīs life - it is a very hard time to find a fit, where you fit in.
Exclusion
I never exactly fit into any of the social cliques in my school and neighbourhood.
I had moved from one place to another, and I found being new very hard and very awkward. I sounded different and I looked different and it set me apart from everyone. I was an outsider, never feeling like I belonged anywhere.
Bullying
I was teased on a regular basis for about 18 months. I couldnīt get on the bus without being teased and mimicked, having stuff knocked out of my hands and finding horrible things in my school locker... it went on and on and on. I tried to keep going but it got harder every day.
Emotional exhaustion
I really reached the point where I couldnīt take it any more; emotionally it was exhausting. I started playing sick so as not to go to school, but my mother saw through that and made me go to school anyway. I wasnīt sleeping; I wasnīt eating; I wasnīt doing very well in school and Iīd always been a top grade student.
Parents unavailable
I had problems being able to talk openly with my parents. My father was working all the time and was always gone. My mother was not one who was open to the idea that we are not always mentally capable of taking care of ourselves. She saw it as a weakness and something that was not to be tolerated.
Motherīs own difficult history
She had survived some incredible things that most people would not have survived, coming out of World War 2 and because she had survived these she assumed that there was nothing as bad as that and you can just buck up. Like you could turn it off like a switch.
Self loathing
So when things got worse, I could not turn to her, and I had no new friends and no one I could confide in. I got more and more frustrated because I couldnīt turn the switch off and I kept thinking I must be defective - why couldnīt I do that? I started having some serious issues with self-loathing at that time.
Consuming suicidal thoughts
This and the exclusion led to a serious bout of depression. Suicidal thoughts consumed me night and day for months. You can try to explain it but I donīt think you can touch the core of it. It felt like I had no choice; that there were no other options open to me and I really truly felt the world would be a better place if I wasnīt around.
Numbness
It got to the point where I couldnīt even feel pain any more; I was so numb. Feeling nothing is almost worse than feeling pain. I was doing things that were intentionally to hurt myself and feeling nothing - poking myself, putting cigarettes out on my leg a couple of times, but I didnīt even feel that. I felt like I was already dead.
Failed attempt
Ultimately, I attempted suicide by overdosing on aspirin and alcohol - I was 14.
Not knowing how much was needed in order to accomplish my task, however, I didnīt take enough to kill me. I woke up in hospital to find that, quite to my disappointment and anger, I still existed.
Punished for it
As a result, I was in big trouble. I got grounded; all my liberties were taken away; I wasnīt allowed to use the phone or make contact with anyone. My mother drove me to and from school and I was isolated and that was my punishment.
No therapy
This launched me into a deeper depression that continued for years after that time. There was no other form of therapy, even though the doctors said my mother should get me counselling. She said that counselling was over rated and wouldnīt help because I was just being stubborn - if only I could buck up and do things I wouldnīt need that.
Self medication
I started self-medicating. I drank very heavily. By the time I quite drinking when I was 18 I was at that border where if I had not stopped drinking, Iīd have been dead soon.
Lengthy deep depression
I left home at 17 and began to work full time nights while completing my schooling so that I didnīt have to return home. I sought therapy for my depression and found a semblance of emotional balance (albeit possessed by low moods) that continued for a few years.
Injury and loss
In my late 20s I suffered an injury at work. The injury happened just weeks before I was to move across country to work on my undergraduate degree. I feared an operation and didnīt want to become dependent on drugs. I knew how hard it was to put the bottle down and I didnīt want to become dependent on pain killers.
Disability
I went from being an independent and very active person to a cripple who was incapable of taking care of my most basic needs. I felt like a baby. Being incapable of caring for myself and having to rely solely on others (including my then partner at the time) threw me back into severe depression.
Unconscious suicide attempts
I found myself unconsciously attempting to hurt myself - doing things like binge drinking to excess, abusing a variety of drugs in combination, driving erratically and aiming at light poles, large trucks and concrete barriers. When I realised what I was doing, I immediately began therapy again.
Weight gain on medication
I was put on anti-depressant drugs for the first time in my life. While they helped me with my severe mood swings, they also made me put on a significant amount of weight which only compounded my depression.
Marriage failure
When I had my two children I feared postnatal depression, but found that I didnīt suffer from it after either birth. Then my marriage failed and my husband and I separated. This failure launched me into a deep depression and while suicidal thoughts permeated my being again, I now had two children to care for.
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As a teenager
What helped me survive the depression after my first suicide attempt was throwing myself into school work; it was a distraction and as I moved out of one school and into the next, I was terrified of the transition but I found it went a little bit easier than I thought.
Teachers who cared
Two particular teachers were incredibly important to me. Although neither of them ever asked me about why I was so quiet and sad, they showed an interest in me and encouraged me into activities which have remained important all my life - one got me onto the public speaking team and the other encouraged me in writing and publishing poetry.
Positive reinforcement
Those two things had a huge impact on my life. They played a huge role in keeping me on this planet and helping me find some self worth. I had something to look forward to and some positive reinforcement.
Getting help
With the second episode of depression, when I realised I was endangering myself unconsciously, I went straight back into therapy. We did intensive therapy three times a week for almost two years. She gave me the tools that I needed to be able to deal with the depression and to not get that low again.
Hard work
It was the kind of therapy where you donīt walk out skipping and hopping; it was usually walking in and out with a box of tissues. We dealt with everything, even going back to the original attempt and dealing with that.
Building support networks
The most helpful thing in moving forward was to reach out - be it to a therapist, a family member, or a friend. That was the biggest thing I learned the second time - I needed to build up a circle; a chain of friends that I didnīt have the first time.
Medication
In some cases anti-depressant medication is necessary and beneficial.
Being creative
I also found things like music, writing, and theatre to be significantly helpful in dealing with and coming to grips with my low moods and depression.
Giving something back
I worked with teenagers for a long time because of what those two teachers did for me. It was my way of giving back. There are those who were teens and are now grown and married who contact me and tell me I made a difference in their lives.
Acceptance
Ultimately, Iīve just come to accept that my moods are darker and lower than most peopleīs. I donīt think you can ever be cured of what this is. I think you find tools to deal with it and I am using all the tools I have.
Being honest about what Iīm feeling
I have learned to deal with the extensive swings by just allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling. I have to be honest with myself at all times, no matter what, because otherwise Iīll end up very ill and I donīt want that.
Keeping busy
In this latest situation, I have been running to keep ahead of the depression. I just throw myself into my work and keep myself so busy I donīt think about the situation with my children because when I do, it immobilises me.
Reaching out to friends
I have reached out to anyone who I could, including my new circle of friends. I talk incessantly. I am lucky to have friends who are trying to help me fix the problem and who sit and listen, even when they might not want to hear about it anymore.
Blogging
Being able to write about my experiences has been incredibly beneficial to me over the decades. So blogging about my experiences can only help me deal with my own experiences and feelings in a more productive manner, while hopefully also helping others.
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Write it down
Writing is cathartic. It provides a healthy outlet for the lows and depression that is not detrimental to your own health.
Let others help you
I could not have survived the experiences I have had without the loving and non-judgemental support of my friends, family and therapists. They have literally saved my life, so I know the true value of having someone just to listen.
Reach out and talk to someone
Reach out and try not to handle this on your own. Talking with someone about your depression is a significant way to not only understand it, but help to move beyond the stasis that depression brings. Being isolated and secluded and internalising depression is the worst thing that anyone can do, so I constantly fight to avoid that.
Suicide is not an answer
I know in a lot of ways, it seems to be the easiest solution but it does far more damage and we donīt think of that. We donīt think about all the people weīre leaving behind; the people itīll hurt and what we could possibly contribute that we wonīt.
We all have a valuable contribution to make
We all have value and a significant contribution to make. We may not realize it at the time and we may not understand it at the time, but we all have a purpose. The world is a far more beautiful place with you in it - thatīs what someone said to me once and itīs true for all of us.
You are not alone
With many of the friends Iīve made over the years, itīs kind of like we belong to this club but we havenīt shown each other membership cards. We see it in each other - maybe we recognise the sadness in each otherīs eyes. Iīve had several friends reach out to me who were on the verge of suicide, and Iīd like to think I helped because they are still here; we help each other.
Get therapy
I canīt speak highly enough about the benefit of therapy. Having a psychologist or psychotherapist to speak with has been literally a life-saving step in my life on a number of occasions.
Never tell a depressed person to `buck upī
Being told to buck up didnīt help! I tried for a long time to do that because I thought thatīs what I should do... I make a point of never using those words to anybody.
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