Not fitting in
When I got to university, on my foundation course, I had real trouble fitting in with people because I was living at home. Iīd go in and theyīd be going out somewhere and I wouldnīt be able to go with them. I felt separate from them because they were getting on really well and it got worse when we went on trips together.
Left out
These two girls in the group formed a friendship and I felt like they were always putting me down, especially when we went on a field trip to Paris. I had a really bad time there and ended up being really stupid and storming out of a club and getting lost because theyīd left me and gone somewhere else.
Always felt like an outcast
I can draw a comparison with primary school where there were two girls, one who Iīd originally been friends with and then there was the `sheīs my friend now, not yoursī kind of thing, like kids do really. Iīve always felt like a bit of an outcast type who tries to fit in, but the more you try to fit in, the more irritating you become.
Cut off and numb
I remember thinking that I was only staying with my boyfriend at the time because I didnīt want to upset him and just not feeling anything about him at all. Trying to get romantically involved with someone seems numbing; it doesnīt happen. I sometimes feel I am forcing myself to feel stuff for people - maybe I feel like I should be. Or I try to make up for emotional feelings with sexual feelings, but even that doesnīt really work.
Narcolepsy and lack of motivation
I was falling asleep all the time and it was disruptive. Particularly during lectures, Iīd be unable to stop myself falling asleep. When I was in a car or on a train - when I was warm and comfortable and not doing anything - Iīd just fall asleep. Wanting to sleep all the time seemed to link in with me feeling low and not wanting to do anything.
Pills didnīt help
I got some pills from the GP, but they didnīt seem to do anything; I think they were placebos. I think she gave them to me to get me to go away... You feel they fob you off sometimes. She got me to fill out a questionnaire and then gave me some tablets. I got better but I donīt feel it was the tablets that made me better.
Not wanting to be labelled
Iīve never wanted to fall into the category of being `that weird depressed art girlī so when I feel sad I keep certain things to myself. Iīm reluctant to go for any kind of help because that would drop me straight into that grouping. I think to myself I will go and see the counsellor, but by the time I get to the stage where I have some time free to go and do it, I donīt feel sad any more and then I donīt want to.
`No right to be depressedī
When I think about it I have absolutely no right to be depressed (and I donīt like to use that word either). There are people who are sad because theyīve got genuine reasons to feel sad. I donīt have any problems I would consider real because theyīre in my head and it feels like itīs my own fault.
Critical inner voices
I have the initial nagging voice in my head saying `They donīt like you as much; you donīt fit inī which can be considerably stronger than a voice which says `Donīt be stupid; thatīs not how things work; you are being self-pitying.ī Thatīs usually a shouting down voice.
Repetitive negative evaluations
I obsess and obsess secretly over the impression I give off to other people and afterwards I think back on things over and over, combing it for fault. I often drive others crazy talking about it.
Disappointing myself and others
I feel that if I fail in something, it is disappointing myself - no longer that my parents will shout at me but disappointing myself. But it still feels like I shouldnīt do something thatīs bad or I should try my best not to disappoint myself.
High expectations
I was very self-righteous and opinionated, and quite academic as a young person. But I have passed up any opportunity of becoming something important like a doctor. Going into art has made me feel as if I am copping out because itīs not so academic. But I canīt think of anything else I would have wanted to do.
Not knowing what to do with my life
Iīve never known what I want to do really. I identified reading about Sylvia Plath recently. She was disillusioned and doesnīt know what she wants to do and everything from there goes down hill, and in relationships she doesnīt know whatīs going on or how to attach to anybody. I can draw comparisons where she doesnīt know how to be in a relationship with someone and how she doesnīt know what to do with her life.
Creativity stuff
I want to be creative but I donīt have the capacity to be creative. Like the right side of my brain is being overruled by the left side, so the logical/creative balance isnīt there. I have ideas but I donīt get round to writing them because I feel if I canīt do them justice then itīs not worth doing.
Depression returning
On holiday in Spain a year ago I started to experience overwhelming feelings that my sister got on better with my mum than I do. It started off small but I found it hard to stop myself feeling depressed and almost bursting into tears a lot. I started to get nagging voices in the back of my head telling me that my mum was always miserable when I came home and sheīd be much happier if my sister were back, not me.
Paranoia
You know in your own mind that these things absolutely are not true. Iīve always had a problem with paranoia, particularly when Iīm trying to make friends. It was worse at Christmas because mum got a lot happier when everyone was home. That was the first time she noticed me dwelling on it. I was almost in tears, but I couldnīt confide something that I thought sounded so self-pitying and knew wasnīt true.
Mum annoyed
I confided it in my sister though and she said exactly what I already knew. I was being stupid. She told mum what I had said. She obviously got very annoyed that Iīd even imply that she loved any of the others more than me and that just made me more miserable.
Falling back into ruminating
I began to look forward to going back to student accommodation just to get away from my own thoughts. The thing was though, that even back at university Iīd find some other way to torment myself thinking things over and over about my friends or boys I liked.
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Prone to `over thinkingī
I donīt know exactly when it started because Iīve always been prone to over-thinking things from a young age. Iīm the eldest of four children and Iīve always harboured resentment at feeling I donīt fit in with my family as well as my brothers and sister.
Difficult being the eldest
Thereīs not much of an age gap, my sisterīs only a year younger than me and the next brother is two years younger. There was always this sense of having to be responsible and set an example even though they didnīt do anything I said and seemed to club together to irritate me. It didnīt help that my sister took on the bossy maternal role of the siblings as we got older.
Problems fitting in at school
When I was younger the family thing didnīt really bother me as much, but it was more the fitting in at school that I was worried about. There is always the showy girl who gets picked to play the Virgin Mary, who seems like the teacherīs favourite, and I was that little kid on the outside of the circle trying to fit in - the geeky one who gets really annoying after a while.
Being picked on
At school I remember put downs from a popular girl and other upsetting things - I did go to the head teacher at one point and then we had an assembly on bullying. I remember feeling sad, on the edge, an outcast; but I suppose most of the time I was happy. What really used to cheer me up was my mum saying `Theyīre jealous of you.ī Thatīs something that you can always fall back on.
Feeling outcast in the family
Not fitting in with your family is worse because it makes you feel like the black sheep and the outcast. I feel I should be close with my mum and my sister because we are all women in the family, but I am not really the same. On my mumīs side of the family, they are all the same way - jovial and jokey. The men are offensively jokey. I feel I am different to everyone else.
Comparisons
Iīve always felt like Iīve been compared - to my dadīs older sister, or brother, or my mumīs. The way they sometimes talk about them behind their backs, I wonder if my brothers and sister are going to be doing that about me one day and I wonder if Iīll lose touch with them and end up completely on my own.
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Being told to get over it doesnīt help
I spoke to my mum about how I was feeling and tried to explain it, but she canīt understand it. She told me that I was being overly paranoid and that it was an illness to be paranoid and I should get over it - but it doesnīt seem to work like that!
Telling people
I eventually talked it properly out with my mum. Even though I didnīt think she understood, it did help to talk about it with her, because she knew then. Going to the GP seemed to help a little bit because then it was classified as something that was normal.
Finding someone who will listen
If I feel sad, the first thing Iīll do is try to find someone I can speak to, like close friends - people whoīve been friends for a long time. That sometimes helps me - to talk about things.
Offering mutual support
My closest friend, who I speak to about a lot of this stuff, has a lot of problems herself. I suppose we are sort of rocks for each other. Sheīll ring me whenever she feels sad and there is one particular problem she has had for a very long time, but Iīd never say `You should just get over itī because I know itīs not helpful to her and itīll just make her sad. If she wants me, Iīll listen and I know if I need someone, sheīll listen to me.
Being kinder to myself
When I get the critical negative thoughts, I also have a voice that says `It could be worse; you are alright; doing ok.ī Thatīs the one that comes through most of the time now. Or Iīll cry and then stop crying and be over it.
Confronting irrational thoughts
I think talking it over with my mum was the peak of it, Iīve definitely been better since - I donīt think about it so much. I think, however much you want to just crawl inside and feel sorry for yourself, the only way to deal with irrational thinking is to confront it and have someone tell you how wrong you are.
Distraction and keeping busy
Thereīs only a certain amount I can confront these problems without falling back into them again - itīs impossible to just turn your brain off completely. Usually I have to stop myself by doing something that distracts from it.
Address passing suicidal thoughts
Everyone has those thoughts, those wallowing thoughts where you think `Oh no! What would happen if I died? Everyone would be on my side!ī, but I donīt like to entertain those sorts of thoughts. I know that if I die, it wouldnīt do anyone any good. You donīt want people you love to have to go through things like that, and a lot of the time I know my thoughts are delusional.
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Recognising the danger of `wallowingī
It makes you sad when you think over things, over and over again. Sometimes you need to keep busy. Itīs worth occupying your mind so it doesnīt settle on those kinds of thoughts - most of the time itīs because I allow myself to wallow that I end up becoming so upset.
Keep trying to find the right people to talk to
It can be destructive if you find someone who brushes you off and doesnīt want to speak about it. If you canīt speak to people close to you who donīt understand then you need to find other people who can.
Accept that people might not fully understand
I think talking about it helps. Despite being awkward talking about that sort of thing and that I donīt think my mum really understood what I tried to say entirely, I feel like Iīve gotten a bit better since talking to her.
Remaining critical about labels
I am not so bad about calling it depression now; it just seems like a kind of cliché.
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